I Dont Give Hugs For Free!

Dear Diary,

As Valentines Day approaches, I thought I'd write about something related to the topic:

AFFECTION

If you know me well, you know I am not a touchy-feely kind of person. Simply put: I don't give out hugs for free. If you aren't a family member or very close friend, you probably aren't going to get a hug from me.

My reason? Well, I don't really have a good one. I don't really have one at all. For as long as I can remember I have avoided being emotional. I was NOT the girl that cried during movies. I remained DISTANT from anything that could potentially spark an emotion. And even though I loved the idea of having a family someday, I NEVER felt the need to hold a newborn baby. In fact, I recall comparing holding a newborn baby to holding a brick. I didn't understand the fascination. "Why do I need to hold it? I can see it from here!"

And please don't get the wrong impression. I wouldn't say my heart was made of stone, although I was told that once when I admitted I didn't shed a tear during the movie "The Notebook," but I would say that my softer side has taken years to present itself.

I remember how often people would talk about the emotional roller coaster of being pregnant. And I will be 100% honest to tell you that THIS was what I was most worried about above everything else. Morning sickness? Sure, I'll take it! Being in labor for a few hours? Bring it on! Recovering and taking care of a newborn baby? Easy, Smeasy! Crying in public for no apparent reason? NO THANKS!

I embarrassed myself more than once during my pregnancy with Addy. And while I tried my hardest to control myself, my efforts were to no avail. Three stories come to mind: The first was the day I woke up to no morning sickness. After throwing up everyday for 4 or 5 months, I was under the impression that it was finally over. I should have known better than to get my hopes up because before I left the house for work that morning, I threw up not once, but twice. I cried the entire way to work, mostly feeling sorry for myself, but I gathered my emotions and walked in with my head held high! That is, until someone made the mistake of asking me how I was doing. Well the waterworks started and couldn't be stopped. I wasn't even able to see my first patient because I couldn't stop crying long enough. And all I really remember doing was apologizing to my coworkers because this was just "not like me at all."

The second story involves a meltdown with my sister over a decision to not go shopping. Apparently her disappointment in my decisiveness to just stay home really hit a sore spot and I spent the rest of the morning upset, crying and mad for reasons I am still not completely aware of.

THEN there's the day I decided to watch "Marley and Me." NEVER have I cried during a movie and I certainly didn't think a movie about a dog was going to be the one to do it. I tried to hide my face from Garrett but there was no concealing the tears streaming down my face.

So needless to say, with pregnancy came the rush of my emotions and with the birth of my first child, came the embrace of them. I am no longer embarrassed to show my softer side. I was HAPPY to shed a few tears when my baby laughed for the first time. I ENJOY the rush of feelings I get when I think how blessed we are. And there is nothing I LOVE more than when she wraps her arms around my neck, lays her head on my shoulder and squeezes as hard as she can, for there is nothing greater than a hug from my little lady.

So, as my life has unfolded, I have welcomed my emotions more than ever before. Do I now like to cry in front of others? NO. Do I enjoy tearing up during a silly movie? NEVER. Do I feel the need to hug people just for the satisfaction of a hug? DEFINITELY NOT. But, at least I know now that if I do, there is nothing to be embarrassed about! And I have certainly learned that holding a newborn baby is not at all like holding a brick =) I will ALWAYS give those hugs for free!!

Sincerely Yours,